Tell her she can't have a vagina
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
