Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
