The maid of honor just puked.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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