I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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