He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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