She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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