I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
