You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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