i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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