I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
