Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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