This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
