So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
