at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
