This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
