Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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