Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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