Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
