Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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