listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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