i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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