Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
