that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
