I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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