Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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