i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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