Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize