If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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