No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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