Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
