I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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