my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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