So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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