oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
