so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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