Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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