He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
