There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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