im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They took my balls.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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