awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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