NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize