Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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