your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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