All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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