saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
