i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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