Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
