Umm I'm too high to move.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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