You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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