Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
