i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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