I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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