I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
