Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
