Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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