just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
