I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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