Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
