I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
did i walk over a car last night?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
