I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
