why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
